Normal people might say this post would be more suited for Valentine's Day, but this is actually a fitting time for me. The world of dating and relationships is one of the things I fear the most.
There are many personal reasons why it's difficult for me to commit I've been having self-reflections for a number of personal reasons, but the most interesting one was an email. I was part of a group that sat in on a TV screening as part of a fundraiser, and that same company took my information and sent a casting call for singles in Los Angeles:
"Are you single and over the dating scene in Los Angeles? Are you tired of spending all of your time messaging on dating apps when you could be meeting someone face to face?
Do you sometimes wish you could find out right away if you and another person have true physical chemistry?
Step outside of the box and be a part of an exhilarating dating experience!"
Let the record show that I'm so terrible at dating that I actually considered applying. And that's the thing: why did I consider applying? I don't need to date a person. I can barely cook chicken without drying it out, I'm currently searching for job options after I graduate from USC and I already have more than enough family and chosen family who love me despite my issues.
But it seems to me the part of the reason why I considered it is the same reason why millions watch episodes of inebriated young adults on Bachelor or why anyone gets a Tinder or shares articles from The New York Times' "Modern Love" series.
We are all in the pursuit of love. And unless we're in satisfying relationships already, we're all on the struggle bus.
I'm not saying that trying to find a partner is all that consumes my life, or that singles who are perfectly fine with being single are actually lonely. But we've all been at the point where we realized that love is more complicated than finding mutual attraction (and even then, getting to that point can be complicated, too.)
There are all sorts of reasons listed on the Internet as to why dating among people in my generation sucks. New means of communication--dating apps, social media platforms and instant messaging included--is usually listed as a big reason. This topic was even explored in a Buzzfeed video:
Everyone has read some form or another of why dating sucks for people of my generation, but it turns out that but turns out that dating in Los Angeles in general can actually suck, too. L.A. dating coach Damona Hoffman attributes part of it to the personality of people who live in the city, where "it’s nearly impossible to determine if someone likes you or if they are more into your money and connections." (A quote that, incidentally, reminded me of a friend whose Tinder date turned into a mentoring session in the accounting field.)
I suppose this makes sense in some part. Los Angeles is a place where people come to live out their dreams, and trying to make your dreams a reality in a city with a high cost of living is a lot of work without throwing hookup and dating culture into the mix. Add that with modern fear of looking too desperate, clingy or "creepy," and I'm personally on the verge of giving up hope.
According to this website, there are about 4,435 people who are "perfect" for me in Los Angeles. And in Pasadena, which is closer to my hometown, there are 175 people. The website doesn't exactly account for things such as whether those people are gay or if they prefer to date people who graduated from Ivy Leagues, but it's still interesting to think about; there's no such thing as a real soul mate because there are multiple people out there who would be "perfect."
Except, in actual relationships nothing is perfect. The kind of marriages that last 60 years and get talked about in the news all give advice along the lines of how having a great relationship is about being able to constantly work at it. Relationships must grow along with the people in them, or so I've heard, and people must work around or through each other's differences. I guess my issue and the issue with all of my friends is that we're too individualistic and conflicting in terms of our deal breakers. Can't be a Trump Republican, can't have too much control over the relationship but has to plan all the dates, can't be too nice but also can't be an asshole...
Perhaps this is just a Twenties thing and I'll feel differently about dating when I'm older. But, for now, where I am in my life, it's just one complicated thing that I really would rather not deal with.
This was super interesting, I definitely thought this article was Buzzfeed-worthy. It is true that the pursuit of love in Los Angeles is difficult and complicated. The pursuit of love in general is a complicated and arduous idea -- let alone finding love in the 21st century. I studied in Paris my first semester of college and used the Tinder application as a way of meeting people, and not necessarily to "hook up". I thought the video was a nice touch as well and helped your article in presenting the comparison between dating culture now and dating culture in the 90s. Moreover, the concept that we can pick and choose the characteristics of someone we want to date just as easily as we can pick and choose between what we want in our Chipotle bowl only further validates the sad demise of chivalry, romance and the rise of fast, no strings attached, modern dating culture in 2016.
ReplyDeleteThis post actually helps me cement my thoughts on why social media, constant texting and involvement with one another are just detrimental to relationships - whether they're pre, post or in the middle of a starting relationship.
ReplyDeleteConsistently knowing what someone is doing, where they went, who they were with, and things as simple as "liking someones pictures" (stupid instagram) does nothing but destroy a relationship. It makes you focus yoru time and energy on the little things and analayzing things that are just not important while ultimately killing the growth of your relationship with the other person. It's just terrible.
That being said, I feel this generation's norms when it comes to forming relationships is only going to cause issues - statistically we'll most likely be the generations with the highest divorce rates.
But hey, hopefully we get lucky >.<
Social media as well as online dating services like Tinder are definitely skewing the expectations people have for one another. Because so much of the millennial generation is so overexposed to different types of people, I think we have become socially conditioned to always expect the 'next best thing'. We are too busy looking for the attributes we label as incompatibilities and are continually looking for someone better to come along. I think that is why so many of us are single yet refuse to give someone a chance when they don't meet our 10-page list of standards and expectations.
ReplyDeleteThe thing with the dating scene and in Los Angeles in particular is that we are constantly bombarded by new stimuli from social media and film, television shows, and commercials/advertisements. We truly do not need to date out of necessity but I feel that it's so intertwined with themes in movies and ads/social media that we become conditioned to expect the dating world to be a certain way. Finding love is a lot harder than swiping right a thousand times in a row. It's nuanced and complicated and everybody expects certain things. In L.A. especially, I feel that there's an air of superficiality and a mentality of "What can I get out of this person" were I to date them.
ReplyDeleteI applaud you for publicly opening up about your struggles with love, and I feel many people have similar experiences/challenges. It is undoubtedly different to date in a city rather than a less urban area, and I think your evaluation of the "superficiality" of Los Angeles in particular is spot on. Many may date for "what they can get out of a person," but I also feel it is even more difficult for the highly successful in LA to differentiate between who wants them for them and who wants them for what they have/have done.
ReplyDeleteAh, all too true. Could also blame it on LA's sprawl - it's difficult to find someone worth a 45-minute rush hour drive...social media definitely ups the expectations for single people weighing their options, presenting everyone with only the "best" versions of themselves and stifling opportunities for genuine interaction. I think you're right that the sheer number of cultural industries revolving around dating and romance create the expectation we should always be searching for a partner or love interest. If it's central enough in these characters' lives to write a book or movie about, shouldn't it take similar precedence in our own? I'm with you on the conclusion: way too complicated, way too little time for it.
ReplyDeleteDating in LA definitely sucks, especially when you factor in the horrors of online dating. After just getting out of a three year relationship, I'm terrified of the dating scene. Dating here feels like setting yourself up for failure, something I'm entirely uncomfortable with. But you're right- we don't need to constantly be looking for love. Relationships aren't collector's items that we need to be racking up during our youth. (And trust me, you don't want to spend years and years forcing yourself to make something work with someone toxic just because you're scared of being lonely. Would absolutely not recommend.)
ReplyDeleteWe're all going to be fine (especially you, since you have 4000+ soulmates in LA alone!). And, luckily, once you find someone worth making it work with, you don't have to deal with dating again for a long time. Silver lining!