With many of my Asian American friends excited over the live-action Mulan movie, I've thought lately of the risk Mulan took for the sake of her elderly father. While I didn't save China this semester, my family has taken up much of my time and energy this semester.
In general, I feel like all cultures place family love/loyalty pretty high in terms of values. From a rural Filipino perspective, I sometimes feel like it is all that consumes our culture. Even though my mom is a single parent and we are from a low socio-economic class, she fights for my grandmother to stay in States, where she can take care of her and get the medicine she needs. My mom will also do everything in her power to send clothes, food and money to our relatives in the Philippines.
“They are family,” she would lecture me growing up, “You have to take care of family.”
But for all the ways the value of family has been pounded into me, I already placed myself along with her perceptions of bratty American children in the sense that I was constantly talking back to her when I was younger. But as the years go by, one of my mom’s fears is that I would I would put her in a senior home, which she thinks is one of the worst things Americans can to do their relatives.
According to the Institute on Aging, the number of people aged 65+ will peak in 2030, by composing about 20% of the American population, and the older a person becomes in the United States, the more likely they will be to live alone. U.S. News' Rachel Koning Beals addressed in 2012 whether senior citizens should live with their families, the number of multigenerational homes (grandparents, parents, kids, some extended family), but as more Baby Boomers reach the age of retirement, the issue hasn't gone away over the past four years.
One of Beals' most interesting points is that no matter how welcoming younger generations might be to older generations, some homes are not equipped to deal with certain needs of elderly people. For instance, tiny details such as the height of a toilet or bathub or the amount of space can vastly effect how well an elderly person can live day to day. Also, even though this makes me feel guilty to mention, there's a financial burden on the "middle generation" who has to attend to the elderly as well as the younger generations who cannot support themselves financially.
I've kept some of these thoughts in mind when my grandmother’s health took to dangerous lows this semester. Part of me began to think that being in a senior home might be best for my grandmother. It's difficult for her to get into a car, so she doesn't always go with us to visit family friends. My mom and I are both busy with responsibilities and my grandmother is often alone during the day. This semester I took time from classes and even my internship to do my part in helping my family and helping my grandmother with her needs, but (I feel guilty for saying this) I’m not going to be able to do this forever.
And what happens when my mom is in this position when she's my grandmother's age? I'm not a superwoman like my mom; I doubt my abilities to balance being a parent, employee, community member and caregiver.
And yet, as Judith Graham wrote for the New York Times, loneliness comes with age. It seems to me that in this country at least, we easily write off the elderly like Carl Fredricksen from Pixar's "Up." Seeing how much family is ingrained in Filipino culture, the idea of my grandmother and my mother developing a sense of anti-socialness and disconnect in this country makes me really sad.
In the end for me, repeated messages are too strong. My grandmother and my mother have sacrificed much in their lives, and they deserve to feel loved in their final years. I have faith that I'm at least smart enough to figure out the balancing thing when I'm older. I am far from being the ideal Filipino child, but in honoring the lives of two women who have made me who I am, I know my choice.
Family first.
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